The many and various ways I pass the time now has a new addition. Usually it involves drinking coffee whilst sitting at a computer keeping in touch with chums, or sipping wine sitting on our tiny terrace catching the sun, and wondering what else I can do to avoid any cleaning or tidying or putting away of stuff and things that aren't even MINE. And now I am going to type this blog. Provided that doesn't become a chore as well, in which case...

Thursday, 28 March 2013

On My Way Off to Bed Now...

...and I don't feel good.  I don't.  I feel angry, angry, angry, with a side order of miserable, and then a big fat steamed pudding of angry, angry, angry for afters.

I am angry with and about one very specific thing, but there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about it.  It is bigger than me, it has legal aspects, with unalterable, unavoidable connotations and will have a huge and life-altering outcome, and yet there is NOTHING I can do about it.

There is no need to be at all detailed about the nature of this.  Those that need to know know.  Very many really super people, be they family, friends - even professional people trained to help - know about it and have done and still are doing their utmost to help.

But I am still angry, angry, angry, with a side order of miserable. 

And I just HAVE to express this anger.  Even if I cannot, or choose not to go into comprehensible details, I have to type this fact down, and press publish, or otherwise I am just howling in the wind.  And that is no way to feel when a person is about to go to bed.

The Husband went up over an hour ago.  I told him there was something else I wanted to watch on TV.

But really what I wanted to do was type I am angry, angry angry, with a side order of miserable, to see if that would make ANY difference. Because depression, we are told, more than a little simplistically, is anger turned inwards and I utterly refuse to be depressed.  I did nothing to start this, I will not be brought low by it.  I will NOT allow my emotions to be pathologised, not when the anger is so justified.

I shall prevail.  You bet I shall.

So I have to be - almost wordlessly - angry.  To vent just a smidgen.  So I can go to bed.  Even if it makes no sense to anyone but me, it is imperative I do this

In the morning, I'll let you know if it worked.


  1. I truly hope it did. Such anger has to be expressed or it becomes corrosive. I hope you still manage to sleep well. Love you, Baby Sis.

  2. Thanks so much, Perpetua, and yes corrosive just about some it up. I don't want an ulcer on top of everything else! So it must be got out...

    Yes, I managed to get off to sleep. Last time I noticed the clock it said 1.30am, which isn't so very bad. And I've not long been awake, so that is a reasonable trip to the Land of Nod.

    Today is, as they say, another day. And anger is just a station on the way to acceptance, not a terminus. I shan't be pitching a tent here, don't worry!

    1. Glad to hear it and to hear that you slept well eventually. Better than me as it happens as I must have slept in an awkward position and woke after less than 5 hours with my right hip on fire. It's better now, but that was it for sleep. Yawn....

      Off now to put the dough in the machine for our hot cross buns. :-)

    2. Ach! That's no fun!

      Memory foam topper, at the very least, is what I prescibe for that. Or a through-and-through memory foam mattress (Hafren Furnishers have a huge range - try it, you might like it...). Since we had ours my lower back pain has almost disappeared...for now.

      Age will catch up with me again, but for the present my sacro-iliac region is behaving beautifully.

      Don't eath them all, pretty please; at least hide a couple from DH. You won't always be snowed up...

    3. Ah, but they're best eaten fresh. :-) I'll make some more when we can get out and this time I'll even glaze them.

      When we bought my present bed I tried memory foam ones in the shop but didn't like them then or when I actually slept in a bed with a memory foam mattress. Just too warm for me. My mattress is very comfortable, but I think I must have slept heavily, both physically and metaphorically, in the same position for too long. Everything's fine now. :-)

  3. Hari OM
    One of my 'old dears' used to say after she burped "Better an empty house than a bad tenant"... methinks this could apply all the more to this venting! It actually takes courage to own your anger. Such courage will be rewarded.

    Also worth noting that after each ambush, you grow ever more aware of your triggers and signs of these time-bombs, therefore enabling evasive action.

    No accounting for grenades though... I guess we just have to know they're gonna get flung and not be too surprised when they are.

    That's my tuppence-worth. Hard to do more across such distance, just know that you are heard. Go hug the dog and brush the hubby today. That's sure to sooth some of those troubled waters. &-)

  4. I am pretty shit-hot on knowing my triggers (and those of other people) after what is often euphemistically referred to as a "turbulent" first marriage. I even suffer from a bit of hypervigilism, and if needs be will stay half the day in bed if that feels "safer". Thankfully we are retired, so...

    The grenades being lobbed are Official Letters, about BIG STUFF, just now, so I'd say there is no avoiding or ducking them varmints. It's more a matter of sweeping up after they've gone off...and putting an INCIDENT cordon round me.

    Good advice, though - I am always absent-mindedly brushing specks of lint and fluff off the husband. He needs more grooming than the dog, who can be relied upon to take care of his own coat and feet to some extent.